Is it a coincidence that the acronym BM stands for both Belgian Malinois and Bowel Movement? I think not. The Malinois is a working breed and can power through pain for a very long time. This includes tummy trouble.

Here at base camp Maligator, we operate on the theory of Fig Newton’s Law: What goes in must come out. Whatever foreign material or rancid foodstuff the dog ingested during the day will build to a bubbling crescendo late into the night.

Threatcon Delta:

A routine security posture is warranted at all times. Know your mission conditions. Learn to recognize identifiable levels of stool emergencies. Practice situational awareness to differentiate between signs of mild intestinal discomfort and full-scale warfare.

Historically, the attack will occur during the pack leader’s REM sleep, making it difficult to wake her during a silent call to action. Signs of impending danger may begin with a darkened, quiet room, and barely audible groan that all is not well. Like their human male counterparts, the dog will not admit that they’re having a problem, nor will they seek help.

Threatcon Charlie:

As colonic difficulties traverse through miles of intestinal switchbacks in deep terrain, the threat becomes imminent. More intelligence is needed to determine exactly where and when the strike will occur. You will want to lie in bed and wait it out. Maybe it’s a false alarm. It’s not! GET UP NOW!

Threatcon Bravo:

When this threat level is reached, you better damn well be wide awake. The insurgent is on the move and an attack is forthcoming. If time allows, put on shoes. Advance through the building as swiftly as possible flipping on every light along the way. Try to lure the offender to an exterior door. ANY DOOR! Launching them out an open window will work as well. Resist the urge to scream expletives at the top of your lungs. This will only drive the insurgent into full-blown panic mode and away from the desired escape route.

Threatcon Alpha

The highest level of attack has occurred. Not only must assessment and action be taken, but force protection must be implemented as well. Other dogs will want to run through the active scene where the insurgent has just expelled his loose bowels on every imaginable surface. It’s imperative that all K9s are safely secured a great distance from the incident, lest you lose your fucking mind.

The Epilogue of all Intestinal Insurrections

Gordon was a GSD (acronym for German Shepherd Diarrhea) who battled severe intestinal difficulties. Finding the right balance for Gordon’s bubble gut included a rare blend of nutrients combined with dropping to my knees in daily prayer. The only thing his delicate system tolerated was exotic meats, specifically kangaroo.

In a moment of complacency, I proudly announced that I’d discovered a tolerable diet for our Good Boy. However, during my premature celebration, undetectable tremors were occurring deep within the core of Gordon’s bowels.

By the time his tail shot into the air to signal duress, it was too late. Chemical warfare was coming down the pipeline and there was no time for defensive tactics. An earthquake of significant magnitude was about to send an eruption of shit magma spewing into the atmosphere.

Gordon was being chased by insurgents in the form of gaseous farts and explosive diarrhea. He was unsure where the sound was coming from, but he was acutely aware of two things: the enemy was attacking from the rear, and it was following in close pursuit. There was only one thing left to do. RUN! And run he did. In circles.

Gordon’s trajectory was impressive. He could cover a wide swath while running and pooping. He could destroy an entire building, causing even the most stalwart troops to retch with revulsion.

Recap

Know your BM threat levels. Have a mission readiness plan in place. Practice drills. Buy paper towels by the case. Sleep in your clothes. Arm yourself with a hearty supply of Pepto Poppers and Metronidazole. And most importantly, have a contingency plan to change location at a moment’s notice—preferably a new address.