One needn’t have genes spawned from aristocracy to be part of a growing malignancy: Narcissistic Entitlement. The entitled narcissist is “special” and will quickly make their presence known.

Restaurants

Order a gluttonous amount of food, then complain about the meal. And refuse to pay the bill. My personal favorite, from an egotistical prude after eating most of her sandwich: “I don’t like the color of my meat!”

The server showed exemplary restraint as he replied dryly, “What color would you like it to be?”

The Landfill

It’s easy to become high and mighty at the dump. Who doesn’t develop an exaggerated sense of superiority when ridding oneself of household trash and recycling.

DO NOT follow the rules. Rules were meant for everyone but you. You’ll put your trash where you damn well please! While you’re at it, place unreasonable demands on landfill employees. Make an ass out of yourself. And when they don’t acquiesce to your every whim, threaten to have them fired.

The Deli

Put anyone with a sense of entitlement in front of a deli counter and they lose their mind. Everybody knows that raised brows and an abrasive attitude is necessary when ordering over-processed meats and cheeses.

With a practiced fisheye stare, you muscle your way to the front of the line. You gaze longingly into the display case, as if priceless jewels are splayed out before you. With nose and pinkie finger high in the air, you pace languidly about, demanding samples, finally selecting an eighth pound of American cheese.

The Accident Scene

Take pictures with your phone. While you’re driving. Lots and lots of pictures. Make sure you’re capturing every motor vehicle accident, every disaster or crime scene; every moment of another person’s worst day. Your important contribution to society is documenting events.

Don’t step in to help. DO NOT get involved! While others run toward danger, you can safely take cover behind your keyboard with insignificant opinions on how you would have handled the situation.

Work Zones

You’re busy texting, talking, and posting photos on social media from the last accident that you caused. Your driving is erratic, and you can’t manage to reach the speed limit or stay in your lane. But drive through a work zone with reduced speeds and you’re entering the last stretch of the Indy 500. How dare they reduce the speed limit, standing perilously close to your vehicle while expecting you to slow down.

Any Roadway, USA

Incorporate entitlement into your daily driving routine. Immediately get in the passing lane. And park there. No one else is on the road but you. Hold up everyone who actually has somewhere to be. After all, you pay taxes. You deserve to be in that lane for all eternity.

As opposed to holding up others, get dangerously close to the driver in front of you. Ride their bumper and intimidate them with your self-serving attitude and undersized clown car.

Make sure you’re talking on your cell while driving. Hold your phone flat, approximately one half inch from your mouth, as if nibbling on a cracker spread with Beluga caviar. Still unable to master the simplicity of *handsfree calling, continue bloviating into the air.

*Using your phone without holding it in your hand.

While you’re on a roll, run every fucking red light. You shouldn’t have to wait. For anything. And because of your status, DO NOT pull over for emergency vehicles. It’s not your emergency! You’ve earned the right to keep driving and goddamn it—you’re going to stay put.

The Hair Salon

You have a captive audience; therefore, this is a good place to put on airs.

I once heard a woman prattle on about her vacation home on the lake, complete with yacht moored at their private dock. That alone was impressive. But in a bold attention-seeking maneuver, she also produced bank statements and spreadsheets from her designer handbag.

She then laughed uncontrollably as she spoke of her mother who was housesitting during their mini vacay, and had the wrong dog put to sleep in their absence. Anyone who would find that amusing is truly broken.

Costco

No one exudes entitlement like a seasoned Costco shopper. Yes, you have a membership. So does everyone else. It’s not an exclusive membership to The Yellowstone Club. You’re not floating down the red carpet in a Vera Wang gown. It’s warehouse shopping on a concrete floor.  And the photo on your laminated membership card looks like an early release mugshot from the correctional facility.

Don’t take more than one parking space. Return your shopping cart like a decent human being. Contrary to your parochial beliefs, you being lazy is not providing jobs for people. Get over yourself.

The Neighborhood

Long ago, a neighbor boasted about her new boobs. She had a personal trainer, chemically enhanced hair and skin, a litany of plastic surgeries under her belt, and a membership to the country club. The kiddies went to a private academy and had the best of everything.

But their roof leaked. Their basement flooded. Their designer dog was tied to a tree. And their behavior was atrocious.

They were workout enthusiasts and the family was the picture of health. They took leisurely strolls through the neighborhood; fishin’ with one eye and huntin’ with the other, looking for violations of the covenants and restrictions. I finally concluded that they weren’t just out randomly exercising—they were training for the Asshole Olympics.

Sadly, the atmospheric fug of entitlement was commonplace in that community, and it was time to leave. Is it possible to move a thousand miles to the top of a mountain at the end of a dirt road to get away from the reverberating chants of entitlement? No. It is not.

Our neighbors to the North are all lovely people and we’d do anything for one another. But the South side of our property backs up to a gated community. They stalk, berate, and ostracize others. “Do not walk on our streets. Do not breathe our air. Do not talk to us. This is a private community!” The entitled isolationist is the worst.

We’ve all experienced those with a superiority complex. But if you’ve personally identified with any of the aforementioned flawed personality traits, my sincerest congratulations.

I dub thee entitled.