We’ve all read product warning labels that leave us scratching our heads wondering, Do people really do these things? Not only have they, it’s what keeps the product liability attorneys gainfully employed while mitigating frivolous lawsuits. Regardless of their intended purpose, reading labels are a reliable form of cheap entertainment.

Do not store batteries in mouth. Do not use hair dryer in bathtub. Remove plastic packaging before cooking. Do not eat plastic packaging. And as seen on an individual packet of nuts: May contain nuts.

The label on my vitamins claim that by taking one each day, these supplements are a good source of daily vitamins. Though an added caveat states that they may not be an adequate source of daily vitamins.

The red-letter warning on my chainsaw reminds me to only hold onto the handle and not the blade when cutting. I surmise that someone named Stumpy is the reason for this cautionary notice. Perhaps he and his accident injury attorney are now reading labels from their matching ski in/ski out chalets in Vail.

Before washing my hair, I foolishly checked the shampoo label: Do not drink. But for something that was deemed a safe consumable, this warning was prominently displayed on a wine label: Caution: May cause pregnancy. The day I read that label was the day I quit drinking.

The directions on the portable fire pit warns, Do not use inside house! And the added neon sticker on my dog’s medication states that he should not take the car for a spin or operate heavy machinery. I mulled over different scenarios and wondered whether I was holding him back by medicating him. Would he then be able to drive?

Recently, I found this little gem on top of the flour packaging: COOK BEFORE SNEAKING A TASTE. FLOUR IS RAW. PLEASE COOK FULLY BEFORE ENJOYING!  I will admit that sneaking a taste of flour has never crossed my mind. But some fool did it—that’s a given.

Already easily distracted, I’m now spending an unhealthy amount of time reading labels. The cookies were never made, the wood was never cut, my hair was never washed. Too risky, I told myself.

What happened to common sense and making decisions for ourselves? You know, that whole personal responsibility thing. Being held accountable for our own choices and actions. Not waiting to be told what to do or how to do it; not waiting for our Nanny Society to give us permission.

I grew up in an era when doing stupid things was self-critiquing. There were no mandated directions on how to conduct yourself. There were no warning labels. We were expected to follow the tenet of common sense and common decency. We learned from our mistakes. Younger siblings learned from our mistakes as well.

Do not eat spare change. Do not use bedsheet as a parachute to jump off roof. Do not pedal bicycle downhill with your arms out and your eyes closed to see if you can fly. Do not use a rug needle to pierce your ears. Do not eat a box of dog biscuits or a bar of soap. Do not swallow a jawbreaker whole, or use model airplane paint and glitter to adorn your fingernails.

If reading this has impelled you to pay heed to warning labels; if this has saved even one person from certain doom, you’re welcome. However, if you’re already armed with an adequate dose of common sense, please pay attention to this disclaimer: Writer is not responsible for reader wasting a colossal amount of time.